I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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