wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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