god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
