what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize