I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
