No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize