dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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