i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
