Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I have already put on my inside pants.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
