Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
