u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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