I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
