this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
