i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
