During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
