He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
