my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
