I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
