24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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