I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
