i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
