Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
