Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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