Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
