Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
