Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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