Just took my morning after pill in the library
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
