On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
