Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
