you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
