Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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