Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
