I could make wine with my vomit
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
