i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
