I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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