Your face is a jimmy john
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
