I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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