Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Soap is not a condiment
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
