I wish you could order shots online.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
