Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
