i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
