I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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