i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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