Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize