i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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