we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize