Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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