i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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