Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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