there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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