Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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