It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
