There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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