Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
