i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
