your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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