He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
