everyone is single if you try hard enough
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
that is very illegal...i love you.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
