you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
