where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
