I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
