Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize